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Fizzgig, No!

June 10, 2009

Gone are the days of yore. You wanted to save the world? You grabbed your puppet girlfriend and drove a shard deep down into that crystal. Got rid of the Lord Chamberlain and had light for eons. Universe restored.

Have the actions down pat? Mr. Buchanan doesn’t. You want to restore the universe? You want to get ‘er right? Lock up the male coaches and guidance counselors. They’re paving the way to your son’s nature trail to hell.

Cue Pat, speaking candidly about a heart-felt one-on-one:

“Son, you know, here’s what the Bible says about this, and it’s called an abomination before God so I’ve got to tell you the truth because I love you.”

Personally, I prefer my “I love yous” with either a Hallmark card or a trip to Bavaria.

But like Chris Carter, Pat feels the truth is out there.

And the truth is, Pat is “not at all persuaded homosexuals are homosexuals because of…uh…biological problems…there may be a very few, but there are so many that have been made homosexual because of a coach or a guidance counselor or some other male figure who has abused them and they think there is something wrong with their sexuality.”

Biological problems? Really, Pat? A biological problem is being diabetic, or anemic, or perhaps having a mouth that seems to be performing the function of your anus.

Pat’s parting thoughts: “You’ve got to love them to rescue them.”

If Pat Buchanan is my deus ex machina, I’m losing my religion.

That’s me in the corner…That’s me in the spotlight…watching my Dark Crystal.

One Comment leave one →
  1. June 10, 2009 1:35 am

    Sometimes my mouth performs the same function as my anus, but I’m okay with that.

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